I was pointed to a video clip recently that was so utterly disturbing, I knew immediately that it belonged on this site. But it's too awful to just toss up with the rest of the silly media links to the right where it may be seen or may not be by most of you, plus there are just too many notable points in it not to make mention of them. Yes, the clip I'm referring to is "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins" by the one and only Leonard Nimoy. Leonard Nimoy. Spock. The fact that Spock was making music videos about fucking hobbits is disturbing enough, but the video is kookier than Dr. Giggles without any Ritalin. And yes, I refer to Leonard Nimoy more commonly as Spock because well, shit - he was Spock. When you think of Leonard Nimoy, you don't think of his prolific music career; you think of pointy ears, half-shaved eyebrows and everything being "highly illogical." Am I right or am I right? Okay, moving on...
This is The Ballad Of Bilbo Baggins, which basically tells the entire story of The Hobbit in the span of about a minute. Well shit, thanks for ruining the book Mister Spock! For those of you who haven't read the story, don't watch this clip! It will spoil the whole damn thing! Hell, I've read the book approximately 30 times, but now that I've seen this, I'm never going to be able to look at that cover again without singing the ballad and picturing Spock in the role of every character. Good going you vulcan asshole!
Speaking of vulcans, I never noticed during all the re-runs of Star Trek, but Spock looks like he is majorly constipated all the time. Seriously. Perhaps he's just uptight because well, vulcans are like that, or maybe he just needs some more fiber in his diet. A roll of duct tape wrapped completely around his entire head wouldn't be a bad idea either. And they should have told him that no one looks good filmed upside-down, and they especially don't when they should never smile or look like they're going to eat your face. But apparently he's got something going for him as he's got himself surrounded by women in the video. Granted, they're women wearing horrid sweatshirts and checkered pants and look like they could be hobbits themselves, but damn - he's got a freakin herem! And ooh these chicks can dance too. Their moves look like some kind of cross between a chicken and a rabbit imitation, but hell, they're struttin their stuff hardcore in a most un-hobbit-like manner. My favorite move though, and probably my favorite part of the whole video, is the girl doing the shoulder thing. I'm not sure if that's supposed to look cool, but she just stands there smiling and raising her shoulders up and down. Up and down. Up and down. What the hell is that about? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that her dance moves wouldn't have even been worthy of a spot in Girl in the Golden Boots. But I can't stop watching it over and over none the less. The rest of the group has some noteworthy moves as well and they keep going back to the chicken-rabbit thing throughout. Fuckin Spock.
Wait a second, are those chicks wearing fake pointy ears? Nevermind the fact that this girl looks like she wants to scratch my eyes out with gusto and glee, they're wearing fake fucking pointy ears!! Why? Whyyyy?!?! Is that supposed to make them look like hobbits or vulcans? Ahhh I'm so confused! Merging Star Trek and The Hobbit cannot be a good thing here! Make it stop! Mommy?
Oh, and did I see two girls making out in this video? Yes, yes I'm sure I did! It only flashes for a split second near the end, but I'll be damned if that wasn't two girls swappin spit there!
At least Spock is trying to maintain an air of dignity through all of this. Throughout much of the chaos of dancing chicken-rabbit-hobbit-vulcans, he remains perched upon a rock seething with cool. Check it out, he's a pimp up there and he knows it. Who loves you baby! Come to papa. Unfortunately, his brief moment of coolness is interrupted by the girls flinging random items around and spazzing out behind the rock. In the midst of tumbleweed and odd bits of clothing flying through the air to his rear, he joins in the prop fun and busts out some unidentifiable circular object and twirls it around as he makes mention of The Ring in his song. What is that thing? You'd think he could at least spring for a prop that actually looks like a big golden ring, but no - he has to leave me here wondering eternally what the hell that thing is! My money is on some inner working of a turkish toilet. Goddamn I hate vulcans.
And I almost forgot the big paper buttons with catchy phrases that they're all wearing... I can't quite figure out what the deal is with them, or more importantly, why the hell they say what they do, but these women are sporting things like "Frodo Lives," "Hobbits unite!" and "What's a hobbit?" Damn it, you tell me girls - you're the ones singing about them! At the end of the clip, Spock proudly puts on a paper button of his own but then looks very confused once he reads the phrase on it. Because after all, "What's a Leonard Nimoy?"
Highly illogical.
Click here to view this video in all its laughable horrid splendor.
Yes, it finally happened - Kunta, my Kenyan sand boa died on Christmas Eve. RIP you little fucker.
*dances*